Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I'm getting married
To pizza
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
