There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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