Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Randomize
