I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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