why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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