a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
