she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
