i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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