Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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