Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
