Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize