Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Randomize
