Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
