I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
This gyro tastes like lonliness
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
