Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Randomize
