I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
