One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Randomize
