Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
