She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Randomize
