I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize