I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You are a genius and a whore.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
