Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
