So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
