You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
The police scanner is talking about you again....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
