I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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