Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize