I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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