i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
