Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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