i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Randomize
