OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
