I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
