he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
