I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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