Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
there is puke in my bra ... again
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
