with your own penis?
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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