addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
