is your mom at the bar?
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
