You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
