I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
