don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
