You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
