no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
