Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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