Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
