did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
