I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
