How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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