My friends, they love my intelligence
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
