Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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