this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
