I accidentally had phone sex last night
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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