i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Still dying that you shit outside
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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