the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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