I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Randomize