ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
