Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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